Keep your head up and heart strong

What doesn't kill you make you stronger

2012-02-07T21:50:00.000+08:00

Caution: Lengthy post cause I'm ranting.

I love everything about Chinese New Year. Almost.
The spirit of being happy and feeling prosperous for the new year, the fabulous food, the perfect excuse for gambling, the bonding with family and friends etc.
I love it all.

But this year, I spent the greatest time celebrating new year with my friends and B.
I absolutely disliked the gathering at my grandparents' place.
& I think I have the perfect reason to.

I hate it when people judge. And constantly commenting on one single issue, creating a big hoo-ha over it.
I received ten over comments about me being tan and black, consecutively. One aunt, then the next uncle, then the next aunt, asking why I've become so black.
HEY I GET IT. I KNOW I AM TANNED. Stop rubbing it in.
Stop going on and on asking me to 'whiten' up. I would have done so if I feel that I am extremely black, which is what everyone seems to make their point across.

In fact, I feel perfectly fine with how tanned I am so I completely do not get why there is such a big fuss over it. I'm sorry I'm not the stereotype pretty, fair and slim girls like how most of the Chinese population is.
& if you must know, I was already born fairly tanned.
My uncle even came to tell me that I'm fat. Yes, I obviously know. You do not need to make me feel worse on such a joyous occasion.

Everyone has their own preference and taste when it comes to dressing and I personally do not understand why my relatives like to impose a whole different look on me. I am not out to look slutty and I feel that I absolutely do not dress slutty or inappropriate. I do not follow trends either or I'll be wearing crop tees etc last year, which shows half your body.
I dress what fits me best so please do not tell me not to wear this nor that. It is honestly not a good feeling and I feel extremely restricted and unhappy being myself. Again, I am not out to show the world my body.

Extremely envious of parents/relatives who do not comment on their daughter's dress sense and I have seen many friends wearing rather revealing clothes during CNY visits, but hell, they look good and I have double the amount of cloth on my body so why am I still judged by my closest kin?

I think it's ironic and rather nonsensical if they do these just because they care for me etcetc, because it makes me feel like shit firstly.
& secondly, you don't know shit about me.
You don't know what I like to eat, how I'm feeling, what I'm going through, what school I'm in even. (Except for one aunt who is really sweet and gets me clothes which I really love)

Other than that, we are not really that close a family.
And likewise, I don't know shit about you either so I do not comment on anything unless provoked.

I'm starting to like family gatherings less and less. It has become an extremely stressful situation to be in, being judged, talked and discussed about, compared to etc.
I don't know why they fault me for paying more attention to my friends who actually truly have my backs and support me no matter what. Could you blame me for wanting to spend more time with people who makes me happier?

If my closest kin can now judge me with how I look, dress and fare in academics, how else are they different from the strangers I have no ties with in the world?

What you don't know won't kill you

2012-02-05T09:36:00.001+08:00

I don't know why I'm all depressed even though its only an act.

But it just shows so damn much.
I haven't been the greatest friend but what you did was just plain degrading to me.
That you were willing to just drop everything and make me look like a fool simply for her. If she's that worth it, I wouldn't care.

& you didn't even give me a choice or discuss your plans.
Just go along, go with the flow and explain to me later.
Am I that insignificant?
What was I supposed to say? No?
It's not like you gave me options and you knew I'd do it for you.
Even though you knew I'll be upset.

Fucking hate being used. Even though I'm your very good friend, I still don't think this is a treatment between friends anyone can tolerate.
You know I'd do anything for you, but it doesn't mean I deserve this.
I choke back my tears and feelings yesterday.
And I don't think we'll ever really be the same again cause I know where I stand now.
And it's like close to nothing. And for a bitch that just plays with your heartstrings, what, is she eight?

I hope this makes up for all the times I wasn't there for you.
But know that I'd never do such a thing to you.

Enchanted

2012-02-01T19:37:00.000+08:00

Food that I really crave now:

Sogurt ( Cookie&cream, pineapple mango, peach mango )

Twister Fries

Famous Amos cookies

Sticky sweets

Sour sweets

Plums ( Bought a bagful just now )

Ben and Jerry Icecream

Fresh Sashimi

Cheese Tofu

Pineapple tarts full of crust

This is not good.

Had Cca Bazaar today and overall, not a very good impression on the new batch yet.

A handful of them were pretty arrogant and stuck up.

I'm feeling extremely self conscious nowadays.

Every single food I eat, I think of the calories and fats I'm putting on.

Not a good feeling.

Over again

2012-01-29T10:29:00.003+08:00

Don't cry for a boy. Don't cry for a boy. Don't cry for a boy. Don't cry for a boy. Don't cry for a boy.

It will rain

2012-01-20T22:33:00.002+08:00

If you ever leave me, baby,
Leave some morphine at my door

Cause it would take a whole lot of medication

To realize what we used to have,

We don't have it anymore.

There's no religion that could ever save me

No matter how long my knees are on the floor, oh

So keep in mind all the sacrifices I'm making

To keep you by my side

And keep you from walking out the door.

Cause there'll be no sunlight

if I lose you, baby

There'll be no clear skies

if I lose you, baby

Dear S

2012-01-15T23:07:00.001+08:00

I have been the worst friend possible.

Even on the last day of your freedom, I didn't get to meet you.

And I'm so sorry but don't hate me for it.

I'll make it up, I swear.

So many chances to have met you and something always came up.

I know I could have tried harder and put in a little more effort.

Even after you and F broke up, I haven't really been there, nor met you since.

I'm sorry again.

I have your gifts with me though.

I hope this new journey will be good and lively for you, meeting new friends and accomplishing tough challenges.

I do hope to see you out soon.

Till then, all the best and take care of yourself.

I love you best friend.

Heartbeat

2012-01-10T21:49:00.001+08:00

I have a secret aim that motivates me now.

I'm not sure if I'm ready to let everyone know and I probably won't get it.

But I have not had something to look forward to in a long time.

I'm going to try.

Sparkle

2012-01-09T20:53:00.000+08:00

One more resolution for myself before I forget.

Actually, I always had this in mind already.

Should I end any relationships this year, I am going to remain single for the entire 2012.

For myself. For my academics.

Luck

2012-01-07T18:20:00.001+08:00

School's in a day's time and I'm wondering how 50 days of holidays could go by so fast.

I'm not prepared for the new year.

It has been for fourth consecutive sleepless night and I have no idea why I have trouble sleeping.

Something is bothering me but I don't know what.

Feeling feverish and coughing every 5 minutes now while fretting over the five essays I have yet to do.

My only consolance is that this year might be one of the best years in my life, but it hasn't been so far.

2012

2012-01-02T18:36:00.003+08:00

2011 passed, ending off with a bang on my birthday.
2011 had been rocky.
But I found myself, and I found much needed directions in life.

2010 had me completely vulnerable at the loss of B going overseas and retaining.
I was so sure I wasn't going to make it. But I did.
And I did well.

From retaining to a letter of good progress for making it into the top 20% of my cohort.
That was exactly what I needed for motivation, drive and encouragement.
And to prove to people I was still capable of producing results.

It took me a longer JC route and I honestly still detest every fucking day in Nyjc.
But that extra year paid off.
For those of you who believe I had to do well after the second year of JC, screw you. Studying is extremely difficult in JC and I practically never studied a day in 2010 (which was dumb) So all the topics were literally brand new to me.

From handing up only one sheet of paper for math promos in 2010 to being the 90th+ percentile in literature and history in 2011, academically wise, 2011 was lovely.

There were a hell lot of ups and downs with B in 2011.
It was extremely hard and we both gave up countless times but managed to find each other back.
We made it so far and I still can't believe it.
2012 will prove even harder but going through this have made me firmly believe that what's yours will find its way back to you.

2011 had me making new friends in my class.

Our clique- Kamalia, Keefe, Michelle, Shiwei, Syahirah, Zhiqing, Chingyan and Phan, is truly unique. I have never seen a clique without conflicts and backstabbing and bitching.
But we are like that.
All of us are very close but not clingy. We can be angsty, bitchy, snappy at each other for a while but would definitely get over it in a hour so no bad feelings or grudges are held for more than a day.
They are the exact people I need for a screwed up place like Nyjc.

Kamalia is loud and funny.
Keefe is nonchalant and retarded.
Michelle is sweet and cheerful.
Shiwei is perverted yet loyal.
Syahirah is hardworking and committed.
Zhiqing is quirky and quiet.
Chingyan is studious and sporty.
Phan is happy go lucky and pretty.

And I love each one of them cos I can talk to anyone, depending on my moods.

2011 also reminded me of how much I miss Amanda and Shaun, because I retained and they have A levels bombarding their schedules.
What's amazing is that I never have to text them 24/7 to feel close but we are there for each other 24/7. And both of them know that I have their backs no matter what.

2011 also had me meeting a new friend, Javier.
He is an uncanny resemblance of X in terms of character and personality.
He had my back through my toughest promo period and is just a very sweet person.

2011 had been memorable and paved the way for me to follow through in 2012 in terms of my friends, beliefs, relationship and studies.

2012 did not start off as well as I hoped.
A minor fight with B and I was extremely ill during the first two days of 2012.
Even as I type this, I am burdened by a pounding headache.

I made a few birthday wishes cos I had several cakes and I pray each one of them comes true this year.

New year

2011-12-26T22:15:00.002+08:00

Things I need to do/be in 2012:

1.Do fucking well in A levels and get into NUS Law.
2. More punctual for school/meetups.
3. Start using my brain for tutorials.
4. Less bitchy and moody.
5. Stronger in will (I get swayed very easily)
6. Love and really care for the friends who are loyal to me.
7. Fuck those who deserved to be fucked.
8. Lose 6kg.
9. Hopefully be champs in JC league.
10. 2nd in JC league could also do.
11. Go for what I really want, despite what other people say.
12. Start dancing again.
13. Save money so I do not have to starve towards the end of the month.
14. Cut off anything that holds me back towards my goal.
15. Live in the present.
16. Not do stuffs that I'm not proud of.
17. Learn to be more patient.

That's how it's done

2011-12-25T12:17:00.001+08:00

Meme Proposal | Tim * Audrey from Crazy Monkey Studio on Vimeo.

5 days to Christmas

2011-12-20T22:24:00.003+08:00

I bought tons of baking stuff & ingredients today for Christmas baking.
Decided that this Christmas will be a cheesy one. Only cheesecakes, cheese cupcakes and cheese sticks for everyone.

Somehow I don't feel the Christmas spirit this year.
Hardly got anyone much stuff.

Birthday's up soon.
I can't wait to end this year on a good note.
2011 had been interesting.

Super Bass

2011-12-07T13:35:00.002+08:00

Please don't pretend to be somebody you're not. Don't.

In other news, I'm glad I went for prom, even for a short while. Post Prom was good, not great. Pictures up when my friends are un-banned from uploading and tagging too much pics.

Light up

2011-11-26T15:11:00.004+08:00

I have always wanted to but not given the opportunity/guts/restricted to do the following:

1. Donate blood
2. Sky diving
3. Bungee Jumping
4. Tell some people straight in their face to leave me alone
5. Speak confidently without trembling fear in public
6. A tattoo
7. A nose piercing
8. Threading

In other news, I still hate my hair but everyone says it's a fresh look.
I'm like wtfffffffffffff.
I could kill people with perfect long hair on the streets.

P.S: By January, I am going to slim down 3kg.

Regrets

2011-11-24T22:44:00.001+08:00

I just chopped off 7 inches of my hair and it's the worst decision of my life.
It's gonna take forever to grow back.

Stuck like glue

2011-11-14T22:04:00.003+08:00

I'm in a huge dilemma.
So right, I'm going for post prom at Zouk and not going for prom with my previous classmates cause I retained and I don't really want to go for two proms in two years.
Plus, I wouldn't really be in the thank god nyjc is over mood.

Problem is, everyone would be in prom dresses cause they head there right after prom.
Even my best dressed outfit for Zouk would be under-dressed among all the prom dresses thus, I need to wear a prom dress.

Dilemma: Should I wear the dress I wore for my secondary prom or should I buy a new one?
I can still fit into the dress but it's like, the same dress, which is a bit boring.
But then again, I don't really want to spend extra cash on another prom dress since it's not my prom year and it's just post prom.

Plus I've only worn my previous prom dress once.

Tough.

I've started gyming and I'm going to keep this up till I've observed some obvious weight loss.
Gonna start charting fixed meals so I don't overeat.

2011-10-29T12:15:00.000+08:00

I don't think I have ever truly believed anyone who tells me I'm beautiful in this lifetime so far.

Resorts

2011-10-28T22:11:00.002+08:00

So the results are out and I did pretty good by passing every single subject with a few Bs. Not fantastic results but good enough for me.

Been spending the past few days training and my legs are aching so bad. But it feels good to know that the fats are burning up instead of storing up inside me.

Caught a number of shows this past weeks. Midnight in Paris, Real Steel, Paranormal Activity and In time.
All of them were really good except Paranormal. It freaked me out so bad for days.

Looking forward to the hols. B comes back next week followed by a number of chalets and birthdays. Also a trip to Lankawi, and Christmas and then my 18th birthday.

Damn, I need cash for all these.

Delirious

2011-10-23T12:24:00.002+08:00

When I feel like shit, I look like shit.
And when I look like shit, I feel like shit even more.

I feel like I'm stuck in this shithole and my heart breaks almost every night.
It's a vicious cycle.

Pawn

2011-10-19T20:17:00.002+08:00

Worthless, just as before.
I don't know what I'm thinking.
Why do I allow myself to feel like that?

Like you mean it

2011-10-15T15:18:00.001+08:00

Three words, eight letters.
Say it & I'm yours.

Wishlist

2011-10-12T21:55:00.003+08:00

2011-10-09T23:02:00.001+08:00

Evidence never fades

2011-10-09T12:27:00.001+08:00

Every time I see it, my heart races & I've got this sick nauseating feeling in my stomach.

I could stab myself then.

Walk away

2011-10-08T14:47:00.002+08:00

Don't make me close one more door,
I don't wanna hurt anymore.
Stay in my arms, if you dare.
Or must I imagine you there.

Light the Night

2011-10-03T19:53:00.002+08:00

It's the westlife concert today & I'm feeling extremely blue that I'm here, not there listening to my childhood band. That I'm here after a completely screwed up economics paper.

I love sleep recently. It makes me forget everything.
Whenever I have issues to deal with & I need an escape, I sleep.
& I guess this is partly the reason why I hate people waking me up abruptly.

I've been thinking & it's true that no one can deny their past.
But we've all been young once and did everything insane, some a little more extreme than others.

But does it necessarily have to stay with you for life, to how others judge and see you as you were before?
How you choose to have fun with certain people, does it mean you are like them?
How you might have done somethings & regretted, does it mean that you will always be remembered and identified as the person who did this and that?

I came to NYJC, expecting a whole different journey with many different people. But eventually, your past catches up with you, somehow.
Cause this is a small world.
News go round, getting even more exaggerated by the day.
& when I meet someone else's eyes, they don't have to say a thing. But I know that they have already seen me through different lenses.

When I meet friends and those that really gel fast with me, it's natural that we share our past etc.
And they swear that they won't judge.
Then again, really?
All I had was trust that you'll take me for who I really am, since it's my past and the things I do, that have defined me into who I am now.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that, love me for who I really am.
Every bit of it.
Bcos all of us just wanna be accepted in the end.

Y'know the worse feeling in the world, is to feel sorry for yourself.
Sometimes I can't help feeling that.

Look how they shine for you

2011-10-02T11:56:00.006+08:00

I'm back to this pathetic feeling again, it's a vicious cycle.

I'm tired of living up to expectations. Living and doing every single thing because I'm expected to & not because I want to.

I'm tired of even thinking twice, three times, before I blog something in case I create a misunderstanding. I should not even need to explain what is on my blog because it's my means of release. What is the point of filtering? Haters are still gonna hate.

I'm tired of doing things just so that people don't get hurt, just so that people around me are satisfied. What about me? Am I supposed to do things your will just so that everyone is contented at the expense of myself?

I'm tired of looking at the all pretty people and smart asses. I start to feel shitty after.

I'm tired of studying fucking nationalism, integration, macroeconomic issues and Wide Sargasso Sea.

I'm tired of chasing some friends down.

I'm tired of some of their bullshit.

I'm tired of feeling tired. Of everything.
I Just Want To Be Left The Hell Alone.

Trades

2011-09-30T18:52:00.002+08:00

I know you'll be reading this, so Thank you Phan.
It was so sweet of you.

And don't worry, I have my lips sealed too.

Thank God GP was fine.

Chasing Pavements

2011-09-28T17:57:00.002+08:00

I've made up my mind,
don't need to think it over,
if I'm wrong I am right.

No need to look no further.

Devulsion

2011-09-27T21:40:00.003+08:00

Most will never get or understand this feeling. It haunts me every minute of the day.

On a lighter note, seeing Don today truly made me a lot happier.

2011-09-25T11:48:00.000+08:00

It would be 16 months last Friday.
We both forgot.

Felt so real

2011-09-25T11:08:00.001+08:00

I dreamt about my ex-best friend yesterday. It was relieving, the kind of comfort I haven't felt in months.

Hard truths about me

2011-09-25T10:41:00.006+08:00

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Note to self: Time to get out of this shit hole asap.

2011-09-24T15:53:00.002+08:00

Lying in bed checking my maths answers online & asking myself why am I 80% wrong.

Taken my Beating

2011-09-24T13:15:00.006+08:00

I dreamed I was missing,
& you were so scared.
But no one would listen,
Cause no one else cared.

After my dreaming, I woke with this fear.
What am I leaving, when I'm done here?

Leave out all the rest

2011-09-24T13:09:00.002+08:00

Things to do after Promos:

COMPLETE SPA + MASSAGE.
Bake Cheesecake + Mac&cheese.
Lose 5kg.
Play touch rugby.
Sleep an entire day.
Shop.
Movie Marathons.
Play Kinect for 24 hours.
Perm and cut my hair.
Work for a couple weeks.
Repeat everything over again.

TGIF

2011-09-23T19:08:00.005+08:00

Love the top my aunt so sweetly got for me from Canada :>

Rumour has it

2011-09-19T22:36:00.002+08:00

B just got me this, hehehe!
Nothing makes me happier.

Fall Apart

2011-09-17T01:39:00.001+08:00

It's amazing how everything changes in five minutes.

Home Run

2011-09-14T18:44:00.002+08:00

Please help me get through these 30 days.

I don't believe you

2011-09-12T01:35:00.001+08:00

You said we wouldn't be apart.
Please dont stand there & watch me fall.

I love you. I loved you. I still love you.
How could you?

Enstrangled

2011-09-09T20:15:00.001+08:00

I love swings.
The feeling's awesome & I think I can stay there forever.

The last time I went to a swing was with you.
I sat there and watched the cars go by.
I wonder, if the swings are still there.

Studs

2011-09-06T00:29:00.004+08:00

Thank God.

What are words when they're only for good times then they don't?

Bloody hell. I'm not enough, never enough.

P.S In case you didn't know, I went home that day with $45 left from my entire lifetime savings. The cash I kept in a red packet, which I would grab & go should I ever need to leave home.

Toss Up

2011-09-03T00:29:00.002+08:00

I miss you so much that even a replica would suffice.

I'm pathetic like that.

Moonlight

2011-09-02T23:30:00.004+08:00

Tonight, even after a good day, I feel displaced.
He was such an uncanny resemblance to you. The face, the hair, the eyes. Even the way we caught each other's eyes.
My heart either leaped or skipped a beat, I don't know.

It felt good, but also ridiculous.
He was not mine, he was not you. So why the hell should I even feel anything for a stranger?

Looking at the girl beside him with funky hair was like looking into a mirror.
Looking at them side by side made me feel like they weren't meant for each other.
Looking at him made me feel wrong because he was not you.

I cannot describe this & it is leaving me hanging emotionless now.
Searching.
For something.
I don't even know what.

Pumped up Kids

2011-08-27T19:39:00.006+08:00

Supposed to study at Starbucks but we ended up watching Cars 2. It was a bit wishywashy at some parts where I nearly fell asleep, but I never really liked animated movies either.

Looooonggg weekend, love it!
Fingers crossed that Tan Jee Say will never be president.

Gaining acceptance

2011-08-20T14:10:00.003+08:00

I don't think I want to give birth, ever.

Had such a rough week, people screwing up around me, me screwing things up. When life throws you off, it really is quite a shove isin't it?

Sometimes I wonder if expecting the basic is too much from people.
I think I'll never fit in.

by the way, you're sick and ugly inside & you know it. Please stop talking to me.

Busybee

2011-08-13T10:14:00.003+08:00

If I straighten my hair, I think it's almost reaching my ass. I need a new perm, my curls are fading.

SO MUCH DUE NEXT WEEK:
- Test on Differienciation & Application
- Extension of Cold war test
- Literature Research Essay
- Pecha Kucha presentation
- GP research paper
- Economics SRJC Case study
- Match with ACSI and TJC

That's all I can recall.
Spare me, I've only got 48 hours.

46

2011-08-09T19:11:00.003+08:00

So needed the near week long break!

Been trying to complete my stupid Pecha Kucha, having great dinner with friends & just caught the Rise of the Apes recently. Waiting for my Pizzahut delivery to arrive now as I watch the parade.

Me in the band room for the first time! I'm learning to play wonderwall on the guitar.

Very hungryzx

Circus

2011-08-07T10:07:00.003+08:00

It's an amazing feeling to be inside my warm snuggly room while it's pouring madly outside.

For a start, I did pretty okay for my MYE. I mean, if I don't after studying the same syllabus for 18months, I'll admit that I'm the dumbest shit & leave JC.
Been such a draining two weeks and I know it cos every chance/minute I have to catch some sleep, I would be, on the sofa.
School's just going to get tougher and I have 54 days left.

Scary.

Chuck&Blair

2011-08-03T22:41:00.002+08:00

I'll never stop believing this.

Lover

2011-07-31T21:57:00.002+08:00

Been watching a great deal of shows on my mac this weekend. Burlesque is my ultimate favourite show now, Christina Aguilera is so gorgeous and all the girls inside are just so pretty.
I always end up sinking into this whyyousougly mode after watching it. The girls in Burlesque seem to have the best job in the world while I'm stuck here studying & going crazy flipping through books and notes.

Last week was mad for me, by Friday I was extremely drained and angsty with everyone & everything. Just gotta do this for 10 more weeks & I'm a free bird (Until JC2).

Diet tomorrow.

Fall for you

2011-07-30T13:06:00.006+08:00

This is such an old song but everything about us is in this song.
We're worn out, sick. We're hurting.

But we're great together. I've never been happier.

So if our spark ever do wear out one of these days, if either one of us ever gets torn down & lost, know that I'll be waiting and we'll find our way back.

This is for you baby.

The best thing about tonight's that we're not fighting
Could it be that we have been this way before?
I know you don't think that I am trying
I know you're wearing thin down to the core

But hold your breath
Because tonight will be the night
That I will fall for you over again
Don't make me change my mind

Or I won't live to see another day
I swear it's true
Because a guy like you's impossible to find
You're impossible to find

This is not what I intended
I always swore to you I'd never fall apart
You always thought that I was stronger
I may have failed, but I have loved you from the start

Ohh, but hold your breath
Because tonight will be the night
That I will fall for you over again
Don't make me change my mind

Or I won't live to see another day
I swear it's true
Because a guy like you's impossible to find
It's impossible

So breathe in so deep
Breathe me in, I'm yours to keep
And hold on to your words 'cause talk is cheap
And remember me tonight when you're asleep

Want you bad

2011-07-27T23:55:00.003+08:00

At night when the stars light up my room,
I sit by myself
Talking to the moon
Try to get to you
In hopes you're on the other side talking to me too
Or am I a fool
Who sits alone talking to the moon

Now and forever baby

Bleed myself dry

2011-07-13T23:13:00.003+08:00

Always took my health for granted, ate all I want, feed on all the junk I love, and use a teaspoon or more soy sauce just to get the flavour right.

One day it all hits you, what you took too much, what caused it, what now.
It hits you when you least expect it, when you go to the doctor to get medication for simple menstrual cramps but they diagnose otherwise.

Hanging on a thread, you will never know how it feels.

As if it was all planned out, B leaves tomorrow.

Edge of Glory

2011-07-10T23:39:00.001+08:00

I just had the best three days of my year.

Sargasso

2011-06-26T11:03:00.001+08:00

What the heck?
I need one of these, period.

Cooler than me

2011-06-24T22:13:00.001+08:00

Math, please be very kind to me tomorrow.

You & me

2011-06-22T21:49:00.002+08:00

Two Door Cinema Club - Eat That Up, It's Good For You from Kevin Lin on Vimeo.

The Golden Gate Bridge

2011-06-16T21:21:00.002+08:00

I would rather not witness such events. It would haunt me for life knowing that I witnessed the last moments of some people & did not try to do anything about it.

Shooting Star

2011-06-11T20:56:00.002+08:00

I always find myself being comforted by someone else on my worst days.
I wish it could be you.

But the truth is you're there & I'm here.
Its not your fault.
I cannot help but wonder how different everything would be if you were here instead.

Do you remember

2011-06-09T00:28:00.005+08:00

You'll never read this anyway.

Suddenly, everything came pouring back again and I couldn't help thinking where we would be right now if I hadnt chose him over you. I was dumb, and it was a foolish, honest mistake because you truly meant everything to me then.
I miss us doing everything together, late night calls, movies at your house, studying..
And I've never fought harder for anyone to come back to me.

I've been through hell and back, into relationships and out, but you were the only one who stayed around. The only one through four years. You're my biggest regret so far and I guess you'll continue to be because I don't think I'll ever forget you.

Sometimes I miss you so much, I wished you never left my side.
But deep down I know, you were better off without me.

Thank you for being the best friend I ever had.

Actually I miss a couple more girls.
Somewhere, somehow, despite all the shit we put each other through years ago, I do not remember them when I think of you. I only remember the crazys, the laughters, the tears, the talks and the foolishness.
I still love you.

Marshmellow Fluff

2011-06-08T21:06:00.002+08:00

June, you're passing too fast. Way too fast.

Permanent Scar

2011-06-07T14:06:00.000+08:00

Only the best team in the world, with all our secret moves and jokes on field.

Born this way

2011-06-01T16:17:00.002+08:00

I can never study at home, ever.

Perhaps late night studying at home, it works better. But usually I'm tired by 1am now.
Gone were the days where I could sleep at 3 or 4am and manage to wake at 5.30am for school.

Woes

2011-05-29T16:12:00.003+08:00

I have a fifty dollar and increasing library book fine.
I lost the book probably 20 odd, and overdue fines are 20 odd too.
Everyday I think of going to pay the fines that accumulate with each day but then I also think of finding the book too. Cos if it's not there, it must be somewhere.

And this is going to continue for months. I should just fuck it and pay everything when school reopens.

$50 = 3 times cab fare (non peak hour)
2 times cab fare (peak hour)
Lunch for 10 days in school
6 Venti Starbucks cofffee
Heartbreak

Tears well up

2011-05-28T23:00:00.006+08:00

Sonia who you just met a day ago, according to you was the hottest girl in the world, so perfect you stuttered when she spoke to you. I acknowledge the fact that her looks were beyond amazing and was fine with everything till

"If Jasmine wants you back and Sonia wants you, who would you go for?"
"Thats a tough one."
"Huh, you really don't know who to choose?"
"I mean yeah la, it's difficult what."

Then you say I'm sorry.
And I wonder how a year of memories could even begin to compare to a pretty sight at night.

You constantly speak of how much you're going through, how much you're suffering.
What about the hurt I feel?
I am merely human.

Hot mess

2011-05-28T21:23:00.000+08:00

You'll never know how strong you are.
Until being strong is the only choice you have.

10 things

2011-05-25T22:07:00.003+08:00

Favourite Bubble Tea: Oreo Spin from Cold Rock

Favourite flowers: White roses

Favourite Quote: Fall down seven times. Stand up eight.

Best thing about myself: Very independent

Worst thing about myself: Too fat

Cannot resist: Guys who smile/laugh cheekily & then blows you a kiss

Hate: Arrogance

Which love language: Gifts

Miss: Z.R.X.S.R.S.S.

Cannot live without: Cold water

Options

2011-05-25T22:05:00.001+08:00

You get me smiling in my sleep one night.
And crying to sleep the next.

Adele

2011-05-18T18:39:00.002+08:00

There's a fire starting in my heart
Reaching a fever pitch, and it's bringing me out the dark
Finally I can see you crystal clear
Go ahead and sell me out and I'll lay your ship there
See how I'll leave with every piece of you
Don't underestimate the things that I will do

There's a fire starting in my heart
Reaching a fever pitch
And it's bringing me out the dark

The scars of your love remind me of us
They keep me thinking that we almost had it all
The scars of your love, they leave me breathless
I can't help feeling

We could have had it all
Rolling in the deep
(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep)
You had my heart inside of your hand
(You're gonna wish you never had met me)
And you played it to the beat
(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep)

Baby, I have no story to be told
But I've heard one of you
And I'm gonna make your head burn

Think of me in the depths of your despair
Making a home down there
As mine sure won't be shared

The scars of your love remind me of us
They keep me thinking that we almost had it all
The scars of your love, they leave me breathless
I can't help feeling

We could have had it all
Rolling in the deep
(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep)
You had my heart inside of your hand
(You're gonna wish you never had met me)
And you played it to the beat
(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep)

Throw your soul through every open door
Count your blessings to find what you look for
Turn my sorrow into treasured gold
You pay me back in kind and reap just what you sow

But you played it
You played it
You played it
You played it to the beat.

Rolling in the deep

2011-05-17T13:54:00.009+08:00

These weeks have been crazy. I've been particularly unlucky with practically everything.

Had another crappy situation with my CT on Thursday, experienced the most embarrassing moment right before Econs lecture on Friday and finally, Lester broke the LCD of my phone by accident yesterday.

Being so down on luck is insanely frustrating.

On the bright side, Kamalia won The One and made me so proud. This is the 2nd year where my friends dedicated their performance to me hehe. First Amanda, now Kamalia. I was so proud of that cheeky girl & I know that this win is exactly what she needed.

So yesterday, after a slight breakdown in school(Yes, I cry easily), I came home to this:

(I know this is not the nicest picture cos I'm all hot and sweaty from school)

No one could be any sweeter and it is the perfect moment when I needed to reason to smile & know that despite anything, someone would still have my back.

You have stuck with me through thick and thin and I am not the easiest girl to handle with all my crazy demands but you held on. You have never let go and I know you never will.
Thank you for being the best.
I don't deserve you and all of this, but I am truly happy that you would go through such expense just to see me happy.

Cheers to many more years to come.

Intensity

2011-05-08T15:39:00.000+08:00

Slept at 5am, woke again at 8am.

Much to do, much to think about.

Butterflies

2011-05-07T23:54:00.004+08:00

Transparent and intrusive? You are a fucking dictator and 90% of my friends can speak English better than you. I cannot wait to see you fall five years later.

**********************************************************************

So nervous & surprising worried for the results of the General Election. Been waiting since 9.30!

I cannot believe (or I choose not to believe) the rumours that PAP have lost Aljunied and Hougang. I mean seriously, look closely at the opposition. Promises of using ten million of our budget for full employment? That is totally unrealistic. Ten million from where, oppositions' pockets? It is still from the high tax (or even higher tax) that we fellow Singaporeans pay.
All who takes History know exactly why a country like Singapore CANNOT survive on a coalition government.

I get really angry at people who support opposition just because it's cool & controversial.

PAP winning four GRCS so far. But still so anxious! Won't be able to sleep in peace if George Yeo loses Aljunied.

It wasn't bad, but it wasn't great

2011-04-23T22:00:00.003+08:00

This made me think. Like when G broke up after a great relationship, it made me think too.

Who do you blame, your friend who watched you fall so you will learn, or yourself, for not being strong enough to pick yourself up?

Likewise, Who do you blame, the person who has left you here alone, or yourself, for not being strong enough to wait?

End of the Rainbow

2011-04-22T14:13:00.005+08:00

I woke at 11 today and it feels so good after a really tough week, or weeks.

I really love you B, for always letting me have my way whether you like it or not, you hardly bring it up.

When you play songs when we're on Skype, I'll tell you it's noisy and its kinda disturbing me. You say okay & switch it off just for me.
Yet when I play songs, sometimes on repeat, there was never once you tell me to stop.
You even sing and whistle along.

Why are you so cute?

Vents

2011-04-17T09:42:00.005+08:00

This post was late, a year late. I have never disliked any teacher to the extent that I would blog a full post about.
BUT I AM JUST SO ANGRY.

Mr K, you have been so against me personally for EVERYTHING, and it's obvious, even my current Civics Teachers came to ask me about my past relationship, no wait more like ordeal, with you.
Oh & Thank you for putting straight Us for all my H2s last year, it was lovely to know that I scored even better than a few of my classmates who got pushed up to a D or E while mine remained unchanged for "purely my own interest at heart".

& so, a few weeks ago I found out from a private chat with my other civics tutor that you had a lot to say about me to my new batch of teachers this year. I mean, seriously, you can't give me a break? You really had to have all my other teachers look at me and judge without even knowing me from the start of the year?
Or perhaps I was so threatening to you that you had to give a heads up to all the other teachers?

You write your own Wiki page and they sing praises of you. Too bad your lessons are hardly 1% of how great you say it to be, and I have not found a single student who likes you. I hope it felt wonderful when the HOD stepped in to monitor your lessons last year because students were very unhappy listening to you read WORD FOR WORD from a nine page long lecture notes every week.

Maybe you should channel all the time you wasted childishly telling teachers about me for some self improvement, especially your fashion sense. I nearly choked when I saw your shirt last week, it was as if you wore a white shirt and pasted brown leaves and twigs all over otw to school.

This is mean, but you started it.
I give you a "I know what you did" look when I see you in school and your sweet, innocent face back to me feels like someone just stabbed me in the heart.
You make me feel sick.

30 questions

2011-04-14T18:58:00.005+08:00

1. Apple juice or orange juice?
Peel Fresh's no sugar added orange juice!

2. Are you a morning or night person?
Totally night person in secondary school days but JC is so tiring and I tend to sleep before 2am these couple two years. But still generally more active at night.

3. Which do you prefer, sweet or salty foods?
SALTY, THE SALTIER THE BETTER.

4. Ninjas or pirates?
Pirates as hot as Johnny Depp in POTC? Definitely pirates.

5. Autobots or Decepticons?
Autobots.

6. What was your favorite childhood television program?
Hehe, Tom & Jerry.

7. Are you a collector of anything?
Paper bags, dont ask, I don't know why either!!

8. If you could be any animal, what would you be?
Cheetah cos I don't think any other animal is able to hunt down a cheetah except people.

9. If you could have any superpower, what would it be?
Read people's thoughts.

10. What is usually your first thought when you wake up?
FML I COULD USE SOME SLEEP.

11. What do you usually think about right before falling asleep?
B and how great it would be if he was right beside me.

12. What's your favorite color?
Red.

13. What's your favorite animal?
Right now, Pandas cos I still cannot forget the panda I saw in HK.

14. Do you believe in extraterrestrials or life on other planets?
Nope.

15. Do you believe in ghosts?
I guess, but I hope I never need to be proven right.

16. Ever been addicted to a video/computer game? Which one(s)?
Never. Plants vs Zombies app was the one and only craze but I completed everything so it's boring now.

17. You're given 1 million dollars, what do you spend it on?
Go to Australia, shop, buy a house so I can live alone with dogs or buy my parents a bigger house so they can move there and I can stay here.

18. Have any bad habits?
A LOT. Eating junk after junk is one.

19. Which bad habits, if any, drive you crazy?
About others? I dislike egoistic people. I cannot communicate with such people cos apparently they know everything & I know nothing. They can even make wrong sound right.

20. List 3 of your best personality traits:
I forgive people easily (too easily).
People's criticisms used to affect me a lot but not anymore.
I try to remember the best in everyone.

21. List 3 of your worst personality traits:
I am critical about certain people.
I flare up for no rhyme or reason sometimes & people around me then suffers the most but I cool down quite fast.
I bitch around sometimes.

22. Have any celebrity crushes?
Johnny Depp, Jennifer Aniston, Adam Sandler, etc.

23. List 1 thing you wish you could change about yourself:
Lose 10kg.

24. Any tattoos or piercings?
Nope, only the classic ear piercing. I'm too much of a chicken to tolerate pain.

25. What's the first thing you notice in the opposite sex?
Definitely how hot/goodlooking? YOUDONTMEH

26. What personality traits do you look for in a partner?
Funny, charismatic, good natured, polite & matured.

27. What personality traits do you dislike in other people?
Those who try hard to be funny and wants to attract a lot of undeserved attention.

28. Are you mostly a clean or messy person?
I want things to be neat and tidy but I'm far too lazy so things end up messy.

29. Do you see yourself getting married in the next 5 years?
No I'll only be 23 in 5 years time.

30. If you could live anywhere in the world, where would you live?
Venice.

20 more to go but I'm too sick today. Back to rolling around the bed in pain now, goodnight world.

Santa Baby

2011-04-12T18:28:00.002+08:00

Cos I know how much you love Angrybirds and you know how irritated I am by it.

Free cone day

2011-04-12T18:09:00.003+08:00

Got myself a free "A cookie affair" cone today with my classmates & it really made my day despite and long wait and everything.
I donated my last $2 I have (dirt broke) for the cone I took and it made me feel good.
Guess today was a really happy day cos M didn't come to school too.

I've decided to try to have a bottle of VitaminWater everyday to see whether I actually feel healthier. (I fall sick at least once a week btw)

And we saw this couple fighting after free cone day and the guy was really mean. It made think of all the times we fought so hard but you'll hug me & apologise after & y'know, that feeling is indescribably wonderful.

You smile

2011-04-11T13:12:00.003+08:00

Love is more than just a game for two.

Cosmic

2011-03-29T21:01:00.004+08:00

Just finished packing every single one of our new jerseys for the match & I'm feeling a little nostalgic.

Tomorrow is the start of what I have been working for the past year with Team Courir. We're not the perfect team but I'd rather play alongside with all of you you than with anyone else in the world :)

I'd dare say we've been through hell and back, lost a number of members over time but the rest who stayed, we're inseparable. I don't expect a lot, but I hate to lose, so I'm praying for magic fingers and lightning limbs for all of us tomorrow.
And if another one of you tell me to be realistic and not have hopes to win: Screw you a thousand times over.

With a bad draw of luck, we're facing the two toughest teams back to back.
But even Dumbo could fly. He just needed a magic feather.

If we play like a real team should, the way everyone knows we can play, we're magic.

Sex on Fire

2011-03-28T22:33:00.002+08:00

My latest addiction: Bacon Sticks!

Will never get sick of this and after I left secondary school, I can't seem to find it anymore. Used to have at least a packet a day during Sec 4.

It tastes EXACTLY like bacon without the sin. At least, I think so. There wasn't a nutrition table at the back.

I'll love you to the skies if you buy me 50 packets hehehe!

2011-03-26T18:42:00.000+08:00

When I'm upset like this, I wanna take it all back.

What are words

2011-03-26T17:48:00.003+08:00

Anywhere you are, I am near.
Anywhere you go, I'll be there.
Anytime you whisper my name, You'll see.

What are words if really don't mean them when you say them?
What are words if they're only for good times then they don't?

And I know an angel was sent just for me.
I'm forever keeping my angel close.

Empty

2011-03-25T22:35:00.003+08:00

On days like this, I feel nothing and no one.
I am tired beyond words and I would love to sit back & watch the world go without me.

Rugby match tomorrow.
& I need a breather, now.

All that we needed

2011-03-23T21:53:00.004+08:00

New limited edition skin cover for my mac! Thanks to my friend, WeiLiang hehehe :)

Can't wait for my baby to be red!

I need money. My bank is left with 14.73 :(

Press Rewind

2011-03-22T22:42:00.003+08:00

I miss my secondary school friends. Each and everyone of them.

The stupidest, the funniest, the fights, the heartbreaks, the bitching, the loveliest, the most heartwarming, the tastiest foods, the teachers, the attire checks, the discipline committee, the best people there I will never forget.

I smile the most when I think back on all of you.

Shooting stars

2011-03-20T23:39:00.003+08:00

SUPER RINGS!

Out studying today with my favourite girl and I bet half the class, including me, is up now rushing holiday homework we didn't know about till 7 hours before school starts.

Monroe

2011-03-20T11:19:00.005+08:00

Bryon told me yesterday that I looked his age, around 19 or 20.
I replied him "I'm seventeen" and he was really taken aback.
Hehe :)

I find it amusing when people tell me I look 19/20 but I haven't figured out whether it's a good thing or not.

My aunt from Canada bought me the new "Black shatter" by OPI and it's such a coincidence cos it's been on my wishlist and I was about to go to Sephora to get one!
I just tried it on my baby finger. Really edgy, I love it!

Only caught a glimpse of Zeph yesterday cos he was sleeping and he looks so serene while I have a thousand and one things racing through my mind. I wish the world stops for me.

School starts tommorrow and I dont think there's anyone else in the world who dreads it more than I do.

On a good note, I've had a good one week of holiday. Not as long as I would have wished for, but still good.

And one more thing.
Happy Birthday, Shaun. I'm sorry I couldn't be there & I love you.

Party Rock

2011-03-16T10:00:00.002+08:00

Fucking teachers.

Decline

2011-03-15T14:54:00.001+08:00

I miss this friend quite a bit, but I'm afraid to admit it because I have a feeling she doesn't.

Pretty Nails

2011-03-09T23:19:00.001+08:00

Pretty nails by Apple! And cheap hehehehe.
Look for her!

Pasa

2011-03-06T10:02:00.002+08:00

After a really long period of downs, I really needed this "A" to prove to others, especially myself, that I was still worth something.

After getting lost and crushed so many times, I finally see a glimpse of light at the end of the tunnel.

2011-03-01T21:14:00.000+08:00

If only everything floats away.

Dancing Juice

2011-02-26T12:37:00.007+08:00

This week was rough. At least around the end.
It started off really good and pleasant and I had this whole new positive energy and was hardly pissed at anyone except Moses. ( By the way, I hope you read this and know I fucking dislike you.) Made a couple of new friends this week and it was sweet.
Shah contacted me yesterday and I was pleasantly surprised about everything in his life now. I need friends like this.

Until Thursday, and I don't even know why my mood fell to zero.
And that's when everything started to go wrong.

I dont know why I'm still not past it yet,I used to be able to just let it go like that. I guess it's just you're not here, to truly comfort or make it up to me.
So I'm just whirling round with the things you said that night, thinking what made you say that, thinking if I made you say that.

You say you wanna take it back & I really want to push it all back.
But it stays on me like a cut, and I wonder how long it is going to take to heal.

Y'know babe, I'll never survive if you do it all over again.

So have you thought, maybe, I'm more afraid than you?

Two of Bel's Pups

2011-02-19T22:54:00.004+08:00

I wanna kiss it!

Three Ss

2011-02-17T10:10:00.008+08:00

School is funny, awful, tiring, confusing and all sorts.

But Amanda Grace Leo makes it all better.
Even though we hardly ever see each other in school now bcos we're in different classes, a quick glimpse of her somewhere makes me feel all better.

I catch her along the school corridor, we hurry our goodbyes after "Hey I see you later, got class now". When both of us turn our backs, I'm smiling and thinking what to talk and laugh about later with her and I almost feel her smiling and thinking too.

After a quick impromtu lunch that lasted no more than 45mins @ Pizzahut, she would have caught up on my life updates, and hers to me.

Everything is short, sweet and simple with her.

You're my bestest girl here love, no matter how little communication and meetings we have.

Ocean blue

2011-02-15T19:47:00.003+08:00

I still feel empty.
You know the uncanny feeling you get when you know you've forgotten or lost something, but you simply cant figure out what exactly?

This feeling shadows me from the moment I wake up, to the entire rotten day at school, and then to bed.